My Journey Through Life, So Far -- Part 4

My Journey Through Life, So Far

by

Lesley Renee Charles

Chapter 4

Summer of 1980, I went to summer camp in Blairstown, NJ. This was the camp that was used in the first Friday the 13^th movie. I know this because one of the boys in my cabin would say that is where Jason came out of the lake. I definitely did not go swimming, lol. Camp was fun, I took horseback riding lessons which I really enjoyed. At camp, is when I first had suicidal thoughts. Also, fueling this was a vision I had seen of me in a coffin earlier that year. My fourteenth year was a very hard year, I lost my paternal grandmother. I knew the minute she died on Christmas day, and at her funeral, I saw her spirit rise out of her body and climb upwards to Heaven. I still remember seeing that to this day.

When I got home from camp, I told my doctor about my feelings. That was when I started psychiatric therapy which lasted through to my Senior of High School. I was put on anti-depressants and after a few months of just individual therapy, I was allowed to also attend a group session with kids my age which helped me to see I was not the only one suffering depression. One of the medications I was put on was Xanax. That did help me a lot, but when I was taken off of it, my doctor had me just stop it. The withdrawal was hell.

Crossdressing at this time was very low keyed. My mother was way shorter than me, so I could not wear her clothes. Looking back, I can see at the time I preferred unisex styled clothes. My mother always had a big battle getting me to wear suits and ties. The only thing I could borrow my mother was her costume jewelry and some of her shoes. In my fantasies I was always pure girl. At this time, I was really into Gone with the Wind, both the novel and the movie. So I would pretend to be Scarlett O'Hara. I also read a lot of Nancy Drew and romance novels. I guess you could say I had a feminine test in reading. I also loved to read mysteries and suspense novels.

At school, I tried to keep a low profile as I was still very shy at the time. One of my most embarrassing moments happened when I was in 10^th grade. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, and I saw one which was not marked so I went in. It was empty and I went in a stall, like I always do, I have never liked to use the urinals, so I never paid attention if they were there or not. I came out of the stall and into a group of girls. And no, there was no screaming, just teasing. But let me tell you, for the next week or so, I was afraid of being called down to the office and punished. Thankfully that did not happen.

In 11^th grade, I took some painting and drawing courses, and rediscovered my love of Art. I had a lot of fun learning how to paint and draw. During that year was the first time I worked on the sets for the High School musical which I enjoyed doing. It was great fun to paint the sets and watch while the student actors rehearsed on the stage.

My Senior year, flew by. I remember I took the SAT once. I got over 1100, thought I did bad until my Guidance Counselor told me that score would get me in most colleges so I decided not to retake it. Then just before Christmas, my mother had her first heart attack. So I had to cook and clean for my family for a little while. My art talent was developing along nicely and that was what I declared as my major. I finally got accepted at Trenton State College (it is not College of New Jersey but I refuse to call it that on principle.) And that started my battle with them about living on campus, because of guaranteed housing and my living to close to the campus. That battle was finally resolved that summer when I got a roommate assignment.