I have a few memories from when I was three or four. The first one is from when I first realized that I should have been a girl. I remember thinking that God made a mistake and that I should have been born a girl. I realized that all the toys I wanted to play with (dolls for instance) were for girls and not boys. I had no real interest with playing with toy cars. My Matchbox cars were usually in near mint condition because of that fact. I was never really a rough and tumble kid. I wanted a Dawn doll and got one, for a little while, I also had a Dawn colorform set, where you can change the clothes on the doll forms that was one of my favorite toys.
Around this time, I would walk on the balls of my bare feet pretending that I was walking in high heels. At this time I did not know of the physical difference between the sexes and so I knew I was going to grow up and become a woman.
My mother, when we were visiting her friends on a Sunday would have me stay in the kitchen and hear the women talk. So I learned early about gossip. lol. Of course, the only other choice I had was to go with the men and watch Football (American) on the television. Yuch. As you can tell I was never much into sports.
Another vivid memory I have from this period was walking by a friend's house and an older teen boy called me a fag. I didn't know what that was then, but I realized from the way it was said that it was a bad thing. I guess looking back that it was noticable that I was not really a boy, but a girl in boys clothing. lol
Friday, April 29, 2011
(a spin-off from: From Knight to Dawn)
Lesley Renee Charles
Alexander du Lac was chained to the wall in the dungeon waiting his fate. He had just come back from his latest beating from the guards. He was worried about what the Queen was going to do to him. His clothes were in tatters on his sore and battered body. He had no regrets for what he had done because Dawn was lovely. His only regret was that he had been caught. Still he was wondering when the Queen was going to derive her punishment.
Queen Elizabeth was discussing this very same thing with Dawn. Dawn wanted him to be recognized as a man in a dress. At first Queen Elizabeth wanted to go along with this but had a brainstorm of an even better punishment. She quietly whispered her plan to Dawn. Dawn got a mischievous glint to her eye. She told the Queen that it would be the most fitting punishment to a man who was not in the least remorseful for his actions.
Queen Elizabeth, upon holding court the next day, called her warden in.
"Warden, bring me Alexander du Lac. I am going to announce to the full court his punishment." announced the Queen.
Alexander was lead into the throne room bound in chains. He showed signs of his most recent thrashings. Still there was a defiant, mean look in his eyes.
Queen Elizabeth, upon seeing that look, was even more thrilled about the punishment she derived.
"Alexander du Lac I have come up with the perfect punishment for you. It is going to last your lifetime. The first part of the punishment is that you will be awarded the rank of a Lady. You will become legally female. This means that any property that you currently hold will be turned over to your husband, who will be a male. You will then become his property and he may do whatever he likes to you. How you are to be dressed is up to his whims. But I do expect you to be dressed like a lady at all times. I have also picked out your husband for you. You will meet him in due time. The courtship will last a year, so that you will have time to get comfortable in your new role. I will also have a few ladies of the court to train you and feminize you. The wedding will take place in a year."
Upon hearing this all the fight went out of Alexander. He started to tremble. He did not want to live his life as a female. He vowed to fight this every step of the way. He was not going to go down easy. He also did not like the idea that he had to have sex with a man.
The Queen announced "From now on, Alexander du Lac's name will be Alexandra du Lac. In two days time, you will start your training as a lady. In a week you will meet the man that I have picked for you."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The College Years
When I was nineteen, I thought that being male was a mistake. Then one night I thought that if God wanted me a female I would have been born a female. This thought cost me many years of suffering. I then tried to act more like a male, but I wasn’t very successful. In my mind’s eye I would still think of myself as a female.
When I was around twenty or twenty-one, an incident occurred which would scar me for a little while. I was working in the college library over the summer. It was during the lunch hour and I was alone in the shelves when I noticed a guy leaving. I did not like the expression in his eyes and I was glad that he was leaving. About five minutes later, he came back and went into the shelves ahead of me. A few minutes later I heard a rustling sound, but I paid it no mind. I went back to the table with an armful of books that I was putting the new checkout labels on when this guy called me over. I went over to him thinking that he wanted me to help him find something.
He asked me if I wanted to get together, I was a little naïve at the time, so he pointed down to his crotch. His erect penis was sticking out. I remember saying no and left. He waited around for a few minutes and tried to get me interested. When this failed he turned around and left.
A few minutes later, reaction set in and I started to feel sick and dirty. I told one of my supervisors about it. She told me to contact the campus police. I did not do this because I felt that they would say I asked for it because of my effeminate demeanor. For the next week, I had to force myself to return to that area of shelving. I would remember this incident for a long time. I regret now, not reporting the incident to the police.
I graduated college in 1988. I then proceeded to get a hourly position for the New Jersey Department of Personnel. I started out in the clerical field.
I was kept in the hourly position for five years when I was made permanent. I stayed with the Department of Personnel for 11 years.
Last year several events came together and I had to make a life changing decision. A few years ago my dad started to have health problems. It was later found out that he had Altheimer’s Disease. We had to put him in a nursing home, since he would wander off. My mother then lost his pension check. I was not making enough to keep the house going in New Jersey. I was also becoming dissatisfied with my job. I tried to get my department to switch me to another unit. They refused. In August, we put our house on the market. In September, we took the highest offer. I decided on South Carolina.
I visited two of my friends from college there and fell in love with the Upstate. As luck would have it I bought a house on the same street where my friends live.
It took me a while to find a job. I finally took a job in Pizza Hut as a cook. I enjoy working there. It is also great to keep up with people half my age.
During this time I chanced upon a web site dealing with Transsexuality. On this web site there is a test called the COGIATI. It deals primarily with males dealing with transgender issues. I scored as a probable transsexual. But I was not ready to accept this so I looked at printed form so that I could answer more like a male. By doing this I moved up through Androgyne and Feminine Male. I thought I could live with being a male with a strong feminine side, but my innate honesty took over. So I moved back through the categories, back to probable Transsexual. I finally admitted to myself that is what I was. After I became comfortable with that, I took the test again, and scored as a Transsexual.
I am now working on finding a therapist. Hopefully he or she will confirm this diagnosis. I will then have to make a decision where to go then. I trust that God and my feelings will guide me to make the right decision. I finally feel great that I don’t have to try to act like what I am not.
It is my hope that my story can help somebody who is currently struggling with these issues realize that they are not alone and to get help. Do not ignore these issues it can only bring unnecessary suffering.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Christian spent the night following the ball dreaming of Dawn. He was instantly taken with her beauty. He knew he had to tell her of his growing affection for her and try to convince her to stay as Dawn. He dreamed of her shoulder length flaxen hair, her sapphire blue eyes that sparkled with her joy of life, her pearly white teeth that gleamed between her two ruby lips. He loved the way the gleaming satin complimented her ivory white skin. He knew he had to do his best to court her, he wanted her for his wife.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Dawn decided to spend the next day strolling through Queen Elizabeth’s royal flower gardens. She wanted to ponder her situation and come up with a plan to try to hold onto his male identity. It was a beautiful day in late spring and the roses were just starting to bloom.